BY KRIS MELTZER, Columnist
Dear Readers,
So there I was, perched on my favorite stool at the counter in my unofficial headquarters, the Bookmark Coffee Shop, feeling sorry for myself. I was all bummed out because Sean Penn scooped me on the El Chapo interview. Local attorney and Cultural Attaché to Kentucky, Tyler Brant, set me straight. He pointed out that Sean Penn is just an actor and didn’t even ask the hard-hitting questions that a real journalist of my caliber would ask.
Did Sean Penn ever interview the flattops of Lee McNeely or Stanley Walton? No, of course not. As a true journalist, I won’t bore you with 10,000 words on how I set up the interview. So, yadda yadda yadda, here is my interview with El Chapo:
Kris: Favorite food: Gordita or Chalupa?
El Chapo: Gordita, specifically the Doritos Cheesy Gordita Crunch, washed down with a Dos Equis.
Kris: I was wondering, if I drink Dos Equis beer, will it make me the most interesting man in the world, even though I’m not Mexican?
El Chapo: Of course it will, however probably not as you imagine. You see, the Dos Equis advertisement lost its true meaning in translation. So long as you drink at least 12 bottles of Dos Equis, you will believe that you are the most interesting man in the world. However, those around you will just think that you are annoying.
Kris: Speaking of beverages, I just recently discovered that Coca-Cola bottled in Mexico actually uses the original recipe and tastes better than Coca-Cola bottled in America. Are you a fan of Mexican Coke?
El Chapo: (laughs) Excuse me, but that sounds like a question for Pablo Escobar. Yes, I am a fan of Coca-Cola, but the recipe used in present-day Mexico isn’t 100 percent authentic. Cocaine was not illegal in the United States until 1914 and cocaine is the ingredient that put the “coca” in the cola. Actually, Sean and I thought it would be funny to tunnel into the Coke headquarters in Atlanta to get the original recipe and brew up a batch.
Kris: You seem to be good friends with Sean Penn. What is he like in real life? s he always intense and all concerned with social issues?
El Chapo: No, not at all. In fact he is much more like his stoner surfer character from Fast Times at Ridgemont High, just cruising through life in search of a tasty wave. We have been friends for a long time. Sean is a real practical joker. I have a funny story about Sean and my first escape from a Mexican prison. I had already planned to escape by tunnel; in fact my tunnel crew was about half way done. One day, unknown to me, Sean had snuck into the prison. I just heard this loud voice from behind yell, “Drop the Chalupa!” The next thing I knew, someone pushed me into a laundry cart and I was on my way to freedom. I think Sean and I are amigos because we both love movies and are very misunderstood.
Kris: What is the one thing that you wish more people knew about you?
El Chapo: That I have a sense of humor. Even when it came to tunneling out of the last Mexican prison, I did it with a bit of humor. I actually used a Rita Hayworth poster from the film Gilda to conceal the tunnel just like Tim Robbins’ character, Andy, did in the movie Shawshank Redemption.
Saturday Shelby 